When I read short stories, I know I could write better - I have not.
Maybe it's arrogant of me to think these things, but that doesn't stop me. I constantly criticize everything around me.
So why don't I do these things? At the first sign of difficulty, I fold. When I reach the first hill, I crumple to the ground.
From a technical standpoint, I know how to write. Perhaps even very well. When it comes to writing for creative output, though, I can't seem to get started.
When it comes to music, I can write catchy hooks and wonderful melodies, but for the life of me, I can't put them together. I studied music theory for two years, and I can't even put together a damned pop song.
It's tempting to think I'm intellectually lazy, and that's the conclusion I generally come to, but that's not it, really. I think a million miles a minute - inventing things that should be or that could be, planning crimes I would never commit, replaying conversations on an infinite loop, plotting our finances, pondering the human condition. Almost always I think about these things at the same time.
I suffer because I... - ...should build a Telecaster Plus, but I wonder if I could add... - ...that I get paid next week, and Julia... - ...might be wrong; could the area around that house on Walnut Street really be THAT... - ...
desire.atremelo.didthisweek.horrible?
I never stop thinking. Never. I have trouble falling asleep because my mind just won't stop. I re-write just about anything with an 'edit' button, over and over again (even this blog post). So how can I be intellectually lazy? No, that just isn't it.
I don't fear failure, because I have no delusions about the possibility of success. It's something else.
Thinking about it - REALLY thinking about it - it all draws back to the beginning (of this blog, at least). I constantly criticize EVERYTHING; even myself. I don't write because when I formulate a plot, it's not good enough. I don't put my music together because no verse I've written is good enough to go with any chorus I've written; they both deserve better. I critique word choice, punctuation placement, sentiments, premise, quality, consistency...everything.
For every thought I have, there are two more criticizing it, plotting how it could be better. I never stop thinking about how I could do better - but I never do.
archetype-curmudgeon
ReplyDeleteyeah, you would tend to criticize me a lot but i used have many flaws when it came to the things you criticized. my music was uncomplicated and just catchy, my role playing was very... bad, or i made very odd choices that led to very bad situations. you did help me to think about the things i wasn't thinking much about though. and that helped develop my sense of self.
i have no advice for getting around this road block other than putting aside your meager criticism's of self. i know you won't be able to put aside all of them that would be silly, but instead of oh thats not a good pairing of versus and chorus whats the best with what i have at the moment which works well together now. damn i want to rewrite that but oh well.